We all know that feeling when we wake up and the sun is shining in our windows after five months of dreadful hibernation. We grab our phones and look up the weather and see that glorious number: 70. SUMMER HAS ARRIVED. It doesn’t matter that pollen has infected our nasal passages, that snot is dripping down our lips, or that we sound like sixty year old chain smokers. It’s warm outside and its time we rip off our clothes and dry hump some pool boys. I am proud to present our demented train of thought.
On the first warm day…
What…what…wait… what is this madness?!
I need to go change into shorts!
Wow, my legs are so disturbingly crusty.
Oh my gosh I haven’t shaved since Thanksgiving. It must have slipped my mind…
Maybe no one will notice…
Or maybe no one has to notice…
I’m skipping my classes and shaving my legs and lying out!
But I do have that exam review…
But I’ve also been deprived of Vitamin D for five months now…
I’m skipping for a medical reason: nutrient deficiency. It’s legit.
At the mall…
Spring Sale?! HOLLLLAAAAAA
Super Ultra Extra Firm Jelly Lift Mega-Pump Power Lump Nipple-Flexing Side-Boob Guarding Silkworm Fiber Shiny Shimmer Bombshell Bikini Top…?
Huh. Well that sounds nice.
DEAR BARBARA! I never knew my boobs could touch my chin!
Maybe this will distract people from looking at my FUPA.
How much does liposuction cost again?
But seriously, HOT DAMN! My boobs look so good. I just want to stand here and touch them.
No, Mom! I am not sending you a pic of my top…
Yes, I promise Dad will not kill me if I wear it on our family vacation.
Lolz. Awk. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
I am going to bang multiple surfer men this summer. I know it.
FIFTY FIVE DOLLARS!?!?! IS THIS A SICK JOKE!??!?!
UGH!!! I’m going to Target.
When the pool opens…
I hope that stupid hoe Christina isn’t at the pool.
Why is she always so tan?
I just want to shove a Twinkie down her skinny little throat.
She makes me feel like a beluga whale.
But she’s probably too busy burning her nipples off in the tanning bed. It will be fine.
FUCK NOOOOO CHRISTINA IS HEREEEE!!!!!!!
She’s walking over here. FML.
Ew, her boobs are bouncing so perfectly.
Do not come talk to me.
Do not draw attention to me.
Do not lure all the eyes over to your tan body and my pasty lard.
“Christina, oh my gosh, it’s so good to see you!!!”
You fucking beautiful devil, I hope you drown today.
“Yes, I have been working out, thank you!”
Why do you ask?
What is that supposed to mean?
I used to be fat?
I love my body the way it is!!!! YOU CAN’T BREAK ME, WOMAN!
But seriously, can you just leave me alone because I kind of want to eat this Klondike bar without being judged.
During Finals Week…
The square root of pi is I should be eating pie under a damn palm tree right now with naked men rubbing oil on me.
I’m studying outside. The sunlight will help me focus.
ITS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!
I JUST WANT TO LISTEN TO COUNTRY MUSIC AND DRINK SUMMER SHANDY!!!!
I love rolling in this grass! It’s so soft!!
SHIT, I forgot it gives me hives.
I can’t focus. I need coconut water.
Maybe a snow cone too.
And ice cream.
Or another Klondike bar. They’re so gross though. Why do I keep eating them?
WAIT, NO. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MY BEACH BOD. BAD!
Actually, no. Screw it. Summer is about doing what I want.
Who wants to go get Rita’s?!?!?!?