Movie and TV dramas hail the “first time” as this magical, life-altering moment. They tell us that once you have sex for the first time, you’re a new person. But what if your first time with someone isn’t exactly as you pictured? Maybe it was awkward or painful or simply not that great. Does that mean your relationship is doomed?
Sexual compatibility is not always something that happens right off the bat. Many media outlets will tell you that being intimate with someone is the finale of your growth with them. That it’s the “home run” after you’ve hit all the other bases. But it’s actually just the beginning.
Here are some steps you can take if your first time wasn’t as magical as you expected it to be.
1. Don’t blame yourself or your partner.
My first time was awful. The pain was excruciating to the point that we had to stop before we had even really started. It took some time before it even felt good. It’s essential not to blame yourself or anybody else if you’ve experienced pain or lack of pleasure.
Bodies are weird, and they take some figuring out. If you expect your partner to know exactly how to push your buttons immediately, you need to re-evaluate those expectations.
2. Embrace the learning curve.
Even after it stopped feeling like my vagina was being rubbed with sandpaper, it still took a while for sex to be pleasurable. Different bodies respond to things differently, so it can be hard to know what the other person likes at first.
My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years and now have a great understanding of each other’s bodies and what each of us likes, but it took time. There were a lot of awkward blunders and learning moments along the way. It’s normal.
When you have an awkward moment during sex, it’s easy to try and pretend like it never happened. But if you take it as a learning experience instead, you’ll be more prepared in the future.
3. Communication, communication, communication!
As in all things in relationships, communication is vital. If something feels or doesn’t feel good, you need to communicate that to your partner. A little coaching can go a long way.
And I know it can feel awkward to see your partner trying so hard only to tell them, “I don’t like that,” but it’s crucial. If you fake anything, your partner will take that as a sign that it’s something they should continue doing, making you less satisfied.
It also helps to talk after the fact about what you did and didn’t like and what could’ve been done differently. They’ll never know what you want if you don’t ask!
Seriously, it’s magical. You won’t regret it.
Though nurturing and developing your sexual compatibility with someone can be a lot of (slightly awkward) work, the results will be well worth it. So if your first time left something to be desired, don’t be afraid to examine why and how you and your partner can change it. Sex is something that both parties should enjoy, so it’s worth working on together.