This new year, it’s out with the old and in with the new. Sex positivity is on the rise, and it’s about time we up our game! But what does it mean to be sexually confident in 2021?
Sexual confidence could mean different things to different people. For some, it’s about sexual prowess and living a full and active sex life. For others, it’s being self-sufficient, mastering their rabbit vibe or autoblow, and achieving orgasm on their own.
Sexual confidence is about awareness of yourself and your partner—being comfortable with your body, recognizing your sexual needs, and being able to express your desires while being mindful of your partner’s wishes.
We are fortunate to be living at a time and age when more support is afforded to finding our own sexual identity and genuine sexual expression is encouraged. Now, more than ever, the hype is about being true to oneself and others. We are bombarded with rainbow banners and messages of sexual liberation—but how we achieve this is the perennial question.
If you struggle for confidence, take heart. Following are a few confidence boosters to assist you:
1. Be intimate with yourself.
Know yourself on a more intimate level. You know the adage: You can’t give what you don’t have. It’s especially true with sex. Sex is as intimate as intimate can be, and when you are unsure of yourself, you’ll be unable to be fully honest with your desires, and sharing yourself with someone will prove to be a challenge.
So start with yourself. Engage in experiences that you find sexually pleasurable (i.e., solo play). Explore your erogenous zones to find out what stimulates you. Knowing what you want can help you build a healthier sexual self-esteem. That knowledge can be empowering, and such power is a significant confidence boost.
2. Cultivate sexual self-awareness.
Sexual self-awareness is basically understanding oneself and one’s longings and desires vis a vis sex. Beyond knowing what pleases you sexually, it’s imperative to listen to your inner stirrings as well.
You need to recognize what truly moves you, your desires and urges, so you can be more mindful of your motivation to enter into a sexual space with someone.
Self-awareness needs to be present in the bedroom, asserts relationship educator and couples therapist Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., to be able to “experience sex that is both pleasurable and intimacy-promoting.”
3. Educate yourself.
Knowledge is power, so equip yourself with adequate and accurate information. Being sexually confident can be learned, and there are countless ways to do so.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. And if you’re scared to ask questions, google is your best friend. Be sexually educated and learn about sex and its intricacies. It’s not all about mastering the various sexual positions or advancing your sexual prowess, but also having a deep understanding of it all. Like:
4. Learn to communicate what you want.
Being honest with your desires by voicing them out and letting the other party in on it. Learn to be direct with your sexual partner. Talk it out beforehand, so you can define and set boundaries, should there be any, and avoid any breach of trust or misunderstanding once the act is done.
5. Care for your partner.
While there isn’t always love involved , it’s only humane to recognize that your partner is also a human being. Caring doesn’t mean you have to commit the rest of your life to them, but treat them as you would like to be treated. Your own needs and desires are but parts of a much bigger picture.
Also remember that it’s essential that you understand consent and know when it is freely given before engaging in sex with anyone, anywhere.
6. Reject negativity.
Being comfortable in your body is essential to feeling sexy and sexual. When you love yourself, it becomes much easier to accept love from someone else. Learning to accept yourself and your partner, flaws and all, helps you avoid feelings of shame and fear.
Acceptance will help you feel comfortable with each other and boost your confidence together, thereby fostering feelings of intimacy.
7. Choose pleasure.
Confidence comes from knowing that you deserve to enjoy yourself and experience pleasure, intimacy, and connection with someone else. Know that it’s not wrong, nasty, or dirty to seek out pleasure. You deserve it.
If you should take one thing from this it’s that there’s a difference between having game and playing games. Upping your game is nurturing your sexual confidence. And being sexually confident is knowing and understanding yourself better and extending the same understanding to your partner.