Welcome to “Ask Ada,” a weekly series in which we answer all those burning questions you’d rather not share aloud. Buckle up for some brutally honest advice! Today, we hear from a reader who wonders if kissing someone while dancing at the club is considered cheating.
Dear Ada,
I recently went out with my gal pals for a night that very quickly turned into a Destiny’s Child song (if you catch my drift). All of my single friends quickly paired off with guys, leaving me alone with nothing better to do than run up a tab at the bar. After a few drinks, I saw him: a cutie in baby blue dancing all by his lonesome. Before I knew it, things got hot and heavy, and boy was it good. But now, I’m facing a huge dilemma because unlike my friends, I’m in a committed relationship. What do I do? Is kissing a rando guy while dancing cheating on my partner? And should I tell my partner or take this secret to the grave?
Signed,
Whore On The Dancefloor
Hello Lovely Reader,
I guess my first question is: Which Destiny’s Child song are we talking about? So many options come to mind here: Bug-a-boo? Survivor? Bootylicious? Say My Name?
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a whore. I also don’t think that drunkenly making out with some dude because you feel lonely is the end of the world. It may be cheating, but it’s not the worst.
Shit happens, but what matters is how you proceed from here.
Mainly, I’m wondering why you focused more of your letter on the stranger than on your partner. You make him sound irresistible, and I’m sure he was. Trust me, I’ve worn those alcohol goggles, too. However, I haven’t heard you share anything about your commitment to your partner.
The ethical thing to do is ‘fess up and deal with the fallout, unless doing so would put you in danger. One bad decision does not define you, but kissing a rando is not the proper solution to your relationship problems. Your partner may shrug this moment off and move on… or they may not.
I can tell that you’re worried about the outcome, but here’s the bad news: You can’t predict or control your partner’s reaction. Whether they stay with you or end the relationship is their decision.
All you can control is how you handle their reaction to the news.
Obviously, one massive caveat here is “unless doing so would put you in danger.” You know your partner better than I do, so if you fear their reaction, then don’t tell them what happened. With that said, if you fear their reaction enough to fear for your own safety, you should probably break up anyway.
But regardless of what happens after the disclosure, the self-improvement work is still yours to do. You need to honestly ask yourself what led you to cheating on your partner with some exciting stranger on the dance floor. Maybe your group should change up your nights out. Perhaps you should ask yourself if you really want a committed relationship. Maybe it’s worth spending time with friends who nourish your self-worth instead of encouraging the part of you that signs anonymous missives with “Whore on the Dancefloor.”
I’m being brutally honest with you now because this is a learning moment. You should face this discretion head-on because this makeout sesh didn’t come out of nowhere. You meet plenty of cool, interesting people on a day-to-day basis (even in, gasp, situations where you consume alcohol!), but you don’t stick your tongue down every stranger’s throat. Something pushed you to cross the line from admiring a handsome stranger to getting handsy with him, and you need to identify the internal cause.
You’re a human being, and you’re allowed to make mistakes. But you need to learn from them before they turn into negative coping mechanisms. Next time, your indiscretion could lead to more than just kissing, that will definitely fall under cheating, and your partner will ultimately suffer.
Having character means that you own up to your poor choices. Embrace your mistakes. Learn from the experience, and let it turn you into a better you.
Good luck,
Ada
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Feature Image by kevin laminto on Unsplash
