Google “bad sex good relationship” and you will find a litany of articles that shout, “Run while you still can!” Page after page of stories will tell you that when it comes to long-term relationship happiness, bad sex is a dealbreaker.
One article even says, “Hang on to the love you have, but understand that no romance has ever survived bed death.”
Geez, talk about grim.
But I would happily put up with bad sex if it meant a good relationship. If I found the love of my life, the fact that he was a dud in bed wouldn’t sway me at all. Let me explain…
Good sex means nada if the relationship sucks.
I’ve been in the opposite position, too: really good sex in bad relationships. Again and again and again. But when all the orgasms are done, you’re slowly putting your clothes back on, and your crappy relationship is jolts you back to reality, it feels like shit. When it comes to coupledom, we spend most of our time out of the sack. If your relationship isn’t great when you have clothes on, what’s the point? Don’t get me wrong, I am all for making sure that the sex is sizzling if you’re in a friends-with-benefits situation. But no amount of chemistry will cut it if the foundation of a real love match is shaky.
I can take care of myself… literally.
For me, sex in a relationship is more about the connection and vulnerability than about how many times I can get off. Like most people, I’m pretty much an expert at polishing myself off.
So if we do the deed and I don’t orgasm, I’d be fine because I’d still get what I came (or didn’t come) for: connection, intimacy, and closeness. For me, sex is more about what the act represents. Obviously, I want to orgasm, and I’ll always try to get there with my guy, but even if I can’t orgasm every time, I’ll still be satisfied.
If I found the love of my life, a man who treated me like a goddess, was empathetic and kind, made me laugh, loved all my weirdness, and was compatible in every other aspect of my life, I wouldn’t give two shits if he couldn’t get me off. I can help myself out in that area. As long as he tries during sex or is willing to learn, it’s all good.
Good sex can be taught, and bad sex unlearned.
The truth is, bad sex isn’t forever. He’s probably doing what he is in bed because somebody, somewhere, once liked those things. “Good” sex is largely subjective. It’s highly unlikely that your partner’s always been terrible and no one’s told him. He’s just programmed himself to get someone else off, so you need to play around and teach him your preferences.
One marker of a good relationship is communication, so if the sex isn’t enjoyable, you should be able to communicate that without fear. And if you can’t? It’s time to assess how “good” the relationship really is.
If a guy really loves me, he won’t mind me teaching him what I like in bed. If something doesn’t quite hit the spot, I have no trouble telling him, and I hope he’d feel comfortable doing the same with me.
At the end of the day, even if he isn’t great in bed to begin with, if we click, the sex thing can come later (pun intended).
Originally Published by Elizabeth Best on SheSaid
Feature Image by Spencer Davis on Unsplash