I’ve always dreamed of motherhood. But still, when my period was late, and then later, and then too late, I freaked out. Was I ready for a pregnancy?
When I saw that positive pregnancy test, I felt my world crumble before my very eyes.
Even though I’ve achieved a lot so far, I wanted to experience so much more before I began parenthood. I thought that my husband and I would buy a home together, enjoy each other’s company, take a few vacations, and simply enjoy our 20’s before we added a baby into the mix. Although mothers can still enjoy life milestones, bringing children into the world changes your identity. I don’t think that motherhood is a bad thing, but I wasn’t ready for it just yet.
So, I cried and cried. I thought about abortion. I thought about miscarriage. My husband wasn’t ready for a child yet either, so then I thought about the baby driving a wedge between us, ending our marriage, and making me a single mom. I thought about how my poetry was already falling by the wayside with all of the responsibilities of homeownership and adulthood. I thought about therapy, and how I was finally digging into and dealing with my own upbringing. I thought about how I wasn’t at all ready to be on the other side. I thought about the little peanut, who was already forming fingernails and didn’t ask for any of this.
Still, I didn’t want to be pregnant.
Now, at 25 weeks pregnant, I feel a bit differently. We found out that our peanut is a baby boy, and we started pondering names and nursery themes. As my baby bump grows, I find myself slowly acclimating to our new reality. And the truth is, it’s not so bad. My husband and I are going to miss out on so many things that we wanted to do and be, but now I’m starting to see past those desires. Because I can’t change it. So instead, I grieved for it.
I took time to cry and mourn the life I lost once this little peanut started growing inside of me.
I’m sharing my story because more moms need to hear that it’s OK to grieve for your old life while you also celebrate a new one. Pregnancy and babies are wonderful, but that doesn’t mean we’re always ready for them.
Remember that regardless of how or when a pregnancy happens, it’s OK to feel any number of emotions. Allow yourself to celebrate or mourn. Your feelings are yours to experience, and any complex emotions you feel are completely valid. Personally, I felt grief, and that’s perfectly alright.
Previously published on Megan Writes Everything.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
