I Lost The Woman Of My Dreams Because I Stopped Caring

Being cut out by someone you care about is one of the scariest experiences in life. It’s even more terrifying when you’re the cause. I know this because it’s how I lost the one who meant everything to me.

I lost her when I didn’t care enough.

I lost her when my heart went numb. Her feelings and well-being were never a priority to me. I was insensitive. She held on, but at some point, she had to let go.

I lost her when I shut her out.

She was never welcome in my world. I lost her when I convinced myself that I never needed her. That her presence in my world threatened my identity as a man.

I lost her when I stopped holding her hand.

I lost her when I left her all alone in the cold. When I left her all alone for the world to do their worst. I lost her when I stopped being there for her, when her needs weren’t as important to me as my own.

I lost her when I tore her heart open.

When I broke it into tiny bits. I hurt her. I lost her when I watched our love burn to the ground but did nothing.

I lost her when I lied.

When I played catch with her heart. I played a game that was never worth it. I lost her when I lied well enough to convince myself that it was the truth. To her, I was an open book. In truth, the book’s cover hid the real story.

I lost her when apologies were heavy to my tongue.

I knew I lost her when her eyes closed. When her voice shook. I lost her when her words burnt me from the inside out.

I lost her when I forgot how to make her laugh.

I lost her when I forgot her laughter. When I couldn’t remember the last time she had to catch her breath after something funny. I lost her when I couldn’t remember how beautiful she looked when laughter crept over her face. I lost her when she lost her smile, when her pain overwhelmed her joy.

I lost her when I failed to remind her every day of how much she meant to me.

I lost her when I stopped doing the little things that made her feel special, what she deserved.

I lost her when I forgot the taste of her lips.

When she no longer recognized mine. I lost her when my touch was cold to her, foreign. I lost her when my hugs were cold and unwelcoming. I lost her when every little thing I did was never from the heart.

I lost her when I stopped speaking from my heart. When I lost sight of what love is truly about.

I lost her when she told me she couldn’t fight by herself any longer.

I lost her when she told me how hurt and tired she was. I lost her when she shed a tear for me.

I lost her when she wished I didn’t try so hard. When she told me that I should’ve been myself with her. I lost her when she had no more words for me. She gave up on me because I never tried for her.

I lost her when pain was the only thing written all over her face.

I knew I lost her when she said goodbye.

Previously published on Thought Catalog.

Featured Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash.L