Wondering how to succeed as a Millennial? First of all, welcome to Millennialhood, you lazy, unmotivated slug!
Don’t take offense. I’m also a lazy, unmotivated Millennial. At least, that’s what I hear twenty times a day from Baby Boomers or Gen Xers. Anyway, I’m going to look up from my phone screen just long enough to give you some advice.
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah… advice.
Did you recently graduate? Are you unable to find a job in your field? Not sure how to make ends meet on a low income? Working two or three low-paying jobs and still unable to move out of your parents’ house because you can’t afford the bills you already have, let alone rent? Wondering what happened to your twenties? According to many members of our parents’ generation, there’s a simple solution:
Stop being lazy, get off your phone, get a job, and work hard. It’s that simple!
What’s that? You work hard at your job and still make minimum wage? Well, that’s your fault. Obviously if you were really working hard instead of staring at your phone all day, you’d received a raise or been promoted. Quit whining and get a second job. Oh, you have one of those too? Well, your parents worked minimum wage jobs in the seventies and eighties and they didn’t whine about it.
Of course, they actually had ten times as much buying power on a minimum wage job as you do.
Since 2009, minimum wage has lost almost 10 percent of its purchasing power. We are literally working longer hours for less pay than our parents’ generation, while simultaneously being called lazier than our parents’ generation. Let that sink in.
So, how do you make ends meet as a millennial? Here’s my advice:
Put your headphones on and tune out the older generations when they start hounding you. Their stories aren’t helpful, nor are their insults. We’re not just lazy and lacking work ethic, so stop internalizing all that negativity.
Buy food at Big Lots or other discount stores. Grocery stores are for our parents’ generation. By shopping at bargain stores, you can eat for pennies per day, which is all you can afford. I snagged boxes of Barilla pasta for .50 each the other day, just because they were about to expire!
Ignore Expiration Dates
Especially on dry goods like pasta and rice. I once ate a box of Luna bars that expired three years prior. Believe it or not, they tasted exactly the same… and cost much less. Companies put expiration dates because the FDA requires it. So, stop letting those dates screw you out of hard-earned money!.
Stay In Shape
You don’t want to pull a muscle while dancing around in that chicken costume after a long day of fake smiling at people who say, “If it didn’t scan, it’s free, right?” You probably can’t afford great medical insurance anyway, so staying in shape will keep you healthy and (hopefully) out of the emergency room.
It’s All About Presentation
When writing your resume, describe your experience running the aforementioned cash register as, “Handling complex financial transactions with accuracy and aplomb.” You’d be surprised how changing up wording does wonders. The same applies to physical appearance at interviews, too. I’m not sure if dying your hair gray and claiming you’re not a Millennial would help, but maybe it’s worth a shot?
If working two jobs isn’t working, there’s always eBay? While you’re standing in line at the unemployment office, just remind yourself that you’re broke because you’re a lazy, unmotivated slug! At least that college diploma will come in handy someday… when you run out of toilet paper!