I am angry that we fought so many times in the past year. I tried so hard to save our relationship. But, we still chose to end it. I feel angry to think about how you always told me not to go to bed if we aren’t OK. I’m angry that we keep comparing our lives and misunderstanding each other. I hate the anger, but I will never hate you.
I am sad that I can’t stop thinking about you right now, and I am sad that you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I’m sad that you don’t seek me out, that you don’t miss me. I feel sad when I think about all our adventures together. I’m sad that I still sleep with the gifts you gave me on our second Valentine’s Day together and my last birthday. I feel sad when I see the sticker on my dresser with your name on it and all the simple things that remind me of you. I’m sad that we hurt each other, and I am sad that we always disagree.
I am scared of pushing you away and I am scared of talking about our problems because I’m always looking for the right words. I’m scared of being too quiet when I actually have so much to say. I get scared of becoming too emotionally attached to you, but I still want us to be close. I’m scared of looking incompetent, of making more mistakes. I am scared that I will never get over you. I am scared to start again, to grow without you. I’m scared to think that you might hate everything about me now, even the parts of me that you once loved. I’m scared that my hollow eyes won’t touch your heart anymore. I’m scared of coming back to you, only to find out that you’ve finally moved on without me.
I am sorry that I hurt you, and I’m sorry if I still do. I am sorry for listening only to myself and not to what you had to say. I’m sorry for blaming you for my sadness and insecurities. I’m sorry for causing you this heartache. I’m sorry for being moody and immature, for all the hurtful things I’ve said without thinking. I am sorry that I invalidated your feelings. You don’t deserve the way I’ve treated you.
I love you, and if you feel the same way about me, I want you to know that I still hope to have a future with you. I want to support you, and I want you to be here for me, too. I’d love to be the one who treats you the right way. I’d love to be the one you think about before bedtime, and I would love to be apart of your plans. I would love to see your sweet smile in the morning, to be the one who leaves you love letters by the kitchen sink. I’d love to be the one who pretends to feed you during dinnertime and pulls you in for a kiss. I would love to be the one who stands right beside you.
I will be right there.
As the sun hits our curtains, and you struggle to get out of bed, I will swing our drapes and jump out to scare you. I’ll sing for you while you’re in the shower and hold you tight while you have nightmares. I’ll discuss poetry and the arts with you and walk with you along the seaside. I will lovingly squeeze your palms and stomach, reminding you of how much I love you.
But I’m afraid you don’t want me to be “the one” anymore.
I have seen love destruct and rebuild, and I seen that frightens me. I have found who I am, but I’m still lost because you are not with me.
One day, we will understand why we’re struggling today. But for now, I wish we could learn to love ourselves more, to grow up and be happy together. I wish we could hurt but make up, kiss each other “goodnight” but not “goodbye.” I wish we could fight without running away, then coming back and forgetting.
This is my apology to you, to love, to us, and to who we were.
Photo by George Gvasalia on Unsplash
