When I was a kid, you were my world. You were a superhero, the only one who could defeat a boogie monster. While I don’t believe in perfection, you were pretty close to it. I had the life millions of kids dream of having. I was happy and supported. What more could a kid want?
It’s crazy. I always thought my biggest fear would be dragons, but as it turns out, it’s abandonment.
On New Year’s day 2015, you packed your bags and walked out the door. It felt like my life was over, but I held on. I fought for you. It wasn’t until October 4th, 2015 that you left for good. No more fuzzy socks. No more movie nights.
You might not know it, but that day you took a piece of me too.
As if that weren’t evil enough, you had to pop back in. It’s like you wouldn’t be satisfied until you twisted the knife. You couldn’t just leave. No. That would be far to kind. Instead, you’d call simply for the purpose of yelling. When I blocked your number, you showed up. Every corner I turned would put me in front of you once again. In your mind, I was broken enough yet. You couldn’t stop until every piece of me was utterly and completely broken.
It’s so frustrating because even after it all, I love you. No matter how many times you say you hate me, yours is still the last face I see at night. I can’t see fuzzy socks without instantly being flashed back to our movie nights — the good times. I know you think I hate you. Honestly, I wish I did. Do you understand how much easier it would be if I didn’t love you? Do you ever think about how hard I have fought to rip the shards out that you left in my heart?
It’s exhausting to love you.
It’s like trying every second of the day to open a locked door, waiting for texts to come and then being heartbroken when they do, crying myself to sleep at night because you aren’t here and then feeling terrified when you are.
This is too much for a kid to bear. After all, I am still a child. You seemed to forget that along the way. Somewhere in between your first drink of the night and the glass that knocked you out, I was forced to grow up. Forced to learn to live without you.
So I’m letting go. I’ve made a promise to myself. I’m going to stop waiting for you to come back. It’s not worth it anymore and I have nothing left to give.
One request before I go. I feel like it’s more than fair. Three years ago you locked the door, today I’m throwing away the key. Let me go. No more games. No more cracking the door open just to slam it in my face.
Today, I am moving on. It will be hard. I know there will always be nights I relive hard moments, but for the first time in years, I am putting myself first.