I am now choosing to start anew with less of you and more of me.
I wonder why it’s so easy for you to make promises while I stay and watch you break them. I wonder why it seems so easy for you to distort the truth into lies while I simply believe them. I wonder why it’s so easy for you to burn bridges while I patiently build them for us. And I wonder why it’s so easy for you to turn cold like ice while I give you the warmth of my love.
I did stay. I have opened my heart and poured it out until I feel empty and broken. I have allowed myself to forgive you, repeatedly and relentlessly because I wanted our relationship to work for both of us, no matter how messed up things were and no matter how you deliberately and consistently ripped my world apart. I was so desperate to fix everything that was wrong with us, but you never appreciated my time.
I’ve held on for so long because I still believe in us together. I’ve held on to hope that your indifference won’t defeat my love. And I’ve held on longer than I should because I wished that you might really change one day. I’ve stood by you in the midst of turbulence and used my love to keep you alive. I trusted you for so long, even after discovering that you were nothing but a chauvinist.
You’ve taught me how to break the promises I’ve been hoping to keep. You’ve forced me to realize that we cannot hold on to love anymore. You forced me to believe that your love is just a temporary madness; it erupts like a volcano, then subsides and burns away into ashes.
You’ve taught me that staying with someone who makes me question everything doesn’t mean that I’m patient — it means that I’m wasting my time.
So here I am, finally choosing myself over you. Here I am, finally falling in love with a life without you. Here I am, finally giving up on you.
This is me letting you go because you made me realize that I deserve the best, someone who plans a future with me. I’m letting you go because I’m done being your “maybe,” your temporary option. No longer will I bend over backwards to make you happy. I’m not listening to the noise of my heart, crying out its pain anymore.
This is me letting you know that I’m done trying my best to fit you into my life. I’m done fighting for a place in your heart.
I’m letting you know that I’m over you pulling me closer, then pushing me away.
This is me letting you know that I’m not giving you another chance. I’m only willing to give my heart to someone who makes an effort and can give me the love I deserve.
I’m finally letting you know that you’re no longer the place I call home, the place I call my own.
This is me making it clear that I’m not going to stand in your way again because you’re no longer worth my time.
I’m letting you know that when I look back on us, I no longer think fondly of you.
This is me craving distance from you, no longer awaiting the next time I see you.
I’m just letting you know that I’m done being a shortstop on your way to your real destination.
This is me finally saying goodbye. And when I say goodbye, I truly hope that we will go our separate directions; our paths will never cross again.
With this, I’m letting you know that you are no longer part of my story.
This is me leaving you because you could never appreciate the love I can no longer save. Now, I am choosing to start anew with less of you and more of me.
Originally published on Thought Catalog and mentioned in In Love And In Heartbreak by Bea Pilotin
Feature Image by Mitchell Orr on Unsplash
