I Suddenly Feel That Giving You My Heart Was A Big Mistake

Someone once told me that no decision in our lives comes with a 100% guarantee. You have to believe in yourself enough to trust that the choices you make will let you arrive where you want to be.

If you second-guess every step you take, you’ll never find happiness.

When it came to finding love again, I knew there was a chance that I might not make the right choice. Naturally, there was also a chance that I might.  I also knew, though, that I’d never know what would happen until I made the choice to look for love.

I have always wanted someone who is like my father: A man with a strong, strict exterior but a loving,  tender interior. My father puts family before everyone, even himself. He’s calm and level-headed in any situation, and when I’m with him, I know that nothing can harm me. He’s my protector, my best friend, and the man who has taught me everything I know.

So when I fell in love again, I chose my partner knowing the decision would never be an easy one. I knew that I would be sacrificing a part of me, in hopes that this man would become my world.

But maybe, I was wrong to fall so hard.

I am drowning in negativity. I am suffocating from my inability to gain control over all the chaos surrounding me. I look at myself in mirror wondering, “What is happening to me?”  My mind is blank because I can’t even begin to pick apart the angst living inside of me.

I let myself fall in love again this summer, just like I had last summer.  Ironically enough, every fight we’ve had and every milestone we’ve hit, reminds me of the memories I shared with my first love. The timelines of my relationships seemed to match up almost exactly, and that was the scary part. No matter how much I fought or how hard I tried, I had a nagging feeling in my stomach that maybe, I just wasn’t made for love. Maybe, my purpose in life is more than just to falling in love and having kids.

My relationship feels like it’s crumbling, just like the one before.  This time, though, I know that I will be OK. When I tell myself that everything will be fine, I know that I will believe  those words.

Just like last time, I have no regrets.  I gave everything I had, I poured everything I was into that relationship.  Maybe, I expected too much of him or gave too much of myself. Still, I am not someone who has weathered years of storms to simply settle for anything less than I deserve.  

I am worth everything.

I am crushed of course, because  any relationship’s end is hard. It is far from easy to lose someone  you’ve grown to love and care for, while you both share the most intimate moments. Despite my broken heart, I am strong and resilient.

Still, though, the differences between us infuriate me. His charm flusters me. He frustrates me because he doesn’t know how to love me.

His go-to emotion is anger, and mine is empathy. I crave physical touch, thriving on words of affirmation, but with him, there seems to be neither. I know he can sense how I feel, but why does he seem to hurt me over and over again?

Why is it that his words slowly chip away at me, when they should build me up?

Am I asking for too much?

There’s a sick feeling in my stomach, and I can’t help but think it’s because things between us might be coming to an end. What was supposed to be the most beautiful chapter of my life is becoming the most disheartening.

I know that this wasn’t how we saw things turning out. Falling for him was just as unexpected as him falling for me.  I was happy in a sense; basking in ignorance, pondering all the what ifs. I was happy when I was with him throughout our relationships, despite all the fights.

That is, until now.

I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe. I suddenly feel like maybe, giving him my heart was a mistake. Maybe, he just wasn’t ready to hold it.

My heart already feels like it’s breaking, and the pain becomes more and more unbearable each second. I don’t know what’s worse, living with the pain of the hurt, or waiting for a heartfelt apology that may never come.

I’m indecisive and irrational, hurt and confused, stressed and overwhelmed. I am realizing that in loving him, I am losing myself. I am losing what it truly means to be happy. To be happy again, I might just have to let go, no matter how painful the process will be. After all, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. And if it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”

Featured Photo by Dineslav Roydev on Unsplash.

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