How I’m Slowly Learning To Let Myself Feel Ok With Losing Control

I am slowly learning to lose control.

I feel myself slipping, releasing my grip on everything that seems to give me power, falling without rescue. The descent is a dizzying whirlwind, an undying headache, a pervasive sense of anxiety that will never subside. As I plummet to the ground, lightyears away from the expectations that stifle me, I feel liberated. My freedom leaves me with a jittery excitement to discover my destiny.

I am slowly learning to let the universe lead me.

Instead of brazenly thrusting myself into the life of my dreams, I am leaving my fate to the capricious will of the stars. I understand that the powers that be know the marks on my soul far more deeply than I know myself. They will let go of what’s not meant to be before I fully understand their plan. However, I will allow them gustily open and close the doors of opportunity, steering me in whichever direction they desire. The universe will cradle me, rock me, hold me up to my fate as I float through life, uninhibited by my lust for control.

I am slowly learning that what will be, will be.

I am willing myself to make peace with what I cannot control, to accept what I cannot change. My heart vehemently attempts to see the beauty in the consequences of the decisions the world makes for me. My body sways to fit the transient whim of life itself. The samba of c’est la vie envelops the beating of my heart; the chaconne of que sera, sera enraptures the rhythm of my soul. I will dance to life’s tempo alone as it consumes me. It leads me through destiny’s music, rocks me to fate’s beat.

I am slowly learning to take life as it comes. 

I am striving to to let each day wash over me like the fresh morning dew. Each hour is sacred in its lack of expectations, each moment is precious in its absence of control. The days, in their infinite beauty, carry me through life, gently lifting me above my burdens, whispering to me to relinquish my worries. I am discovering that once I allow each day of my life to lift me, hoisting me above the heavens, I no longer suffer under their suffocating weight. In meandering from one day to the next without prospect, without plan, without control, I am light, airy, high, free.

I am slowly learning to lose control, to allow the universe to take ahold of my dreams, to surrender what no longer serves me. I am slowly shedding the burden of expectation as I let fate steer me. The glyphs written in the stars, dictating my path, may be ambiguous, but I am choosing to cave to their whim, allowing destiny to consume me as I sway through each day; unbridled, unburdened, and unformed.

Previously published on Thought Catalog.

Featured Photo by Marek Szturc on Unsplash.

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