Much like other people, I’ve spent most of my life trying to fill a void I felt inside with temporary things. But it wasn’t to get the joy of having these them that I was looking to get satisfaction from. I was looking to become more like other people in hopes they would like me. To attract someone; anyone. And I know I’m not alone because the few people I have in my life do it too.
From the time I was a little girl, I always tried to find my happiness in other people because friends were the one thing I desperately wanted. I don’t know why I would seek fulfillment in love from other people, whether it was there or not. I found it difficult to find friendships, and I guess part of me wanted to be like every other kid and teenager.
But then I really started thinking while in the solitude of my room, as I always did when I wasn’t at school or work, I’m only searching for people to occupy my time. It’s not necessary to have people around all the time, and it’s terribly disappointing when you think you need them and they are nowhere to be seen. These people won’t last, so why waste my time with silly friendships that won’t matter in a year? I had to remind myself of something that holds truer than true.
The one thing I know is for certain is that nothing in this world lasts forever; not your family, friends, loved ones or even your favorite shirt. The only permanent thing in life is the relationship you have with yourself. That makes the relationship you have within yourself the most important thing you should always have and make a priority.
You could surround yourself with all the friends in the world, you could have people in your life you know will always be there for you, but none of it matters when you can’t be there for yourself. If you don’t have your independence or love for yourself, you can’t be in love with anyone else. You need to know how to be alone and know how to help yourself mentally before you can allow anyone else to help you, because if you don’t know no one else will.
I’ve had a lot of people disappoint, betray and hurt me. But with each toxic friendship or relationship, and every step someone has taken as they walk out of my life leaving me alone to be hurt, I had to depend on myself to recover and grow from it. And that was the greatest blessing in my life. I wouldn’t have learned how important it is to love myself or learn what to do to grow as a person to be comfortable with being alone and confident in who I am.
I’ve fallen in love with myself and that’s the greatest thing I ever could have done. I learned how to create and build a self-love no one could ever create for me, I’ve depended entirely on my own for all senses of support, I’ve learned to enjoy my own company (something I used to hate) and I became selfish in order to become the best version of myself.
I don’t crave physical friendships anymore and I don’t care as much about what people think about me. I have a few friends I love dearly and put more effort into those friendships because I am confident in their loyalty. Yet I’m prepared if they need space or life takes them in another direction. I’m nowhere near as reliant as I once was, but it’s also taught me to appreciate them differently than I did before.
As for relationships, I’m not looking for one because I’m not in the mood to put forth an effort into someone else’s life because I’m not entirely done with focusing on myself yet. I’m done being selfless with people in general and want to keep choosing me over everyone else. You can call me selfish, bitter or whatever other term, but I’m just working on myself. And I really don’t care what you have to say about it. I’m genuinely happy and at peace with myself, and that’s what matters to me.
You can trust other people, and allow people in; it’s unnatural not to. I’m just trying to stress the importance that the only person you can entirely trust in life is yourself. That fact will never change because no one has your best interests at heart like you do. All the answers are within yourself, the ability to control your reactions are within yourself and what you want in life. You should never have to find someone else to give that to you, so stop looking to find somebody to love or care for unless you’re looking in a mirror.
Featured image via WeHeartIt.