In a world full of people itching to get married and find the love of their life, I would rather be alone than getting married. The thought of me getting up in front of a bunch of friends and family to wed the “love of my life” has actually never sounded appealing for many reasons.
When my friends would question my choice to avoid marriage, I would say something like… “I’ve always hated dress shopping.” “I have this horrible habit of picking the worst clothes possible, just ask my prom date.” “I also hate taking pictures where you can actually see my face.” And when those didn’t convince them, I would get a tiny bit more personal with something like, “I honestly really don’t want to be the center of attention. That’s why I am a writer, so I can hide behind my words that are printed and published.” Those were my excuses, and that’s what I told everyone. It’s not that those reasons weren’t valid, but they weren’t the real reasons I didn’t want to get married. It wasn’t the real truth.
Taking a picture, picking a dress and inviting random people that I’ve known in my life to a ceremony is not the worst thing in life. I’ve gotten through worse so those shouldn’t be too hard to handle for one day to be with someone I love. But that’s just it. I could never imagine the latter of the previous sentence. For someone I love.
I’ve never believed in love. I never thought that there was someone out there for me that I could give myself to or who I would be happy with for an extended period of time.That’s not to say that if I ever found someone who made me happy, I wouldn’t consider getting married. I just didn’t want to end up in loveless, unhappy marriage.
My whole life, I’ve seen too many unhappy marriages. The bickering, the miscommunication, the excuses and the harsh words have all pushed me in the opposite direction of dedicating my life to someone. In a state that is obsessed with getting married, I became less convinced that marriage is a good idea because I only saw hate, I never saw love.
Since I can remember, I was told not to trust other people because, inevitably, they will end up being something different. At a very early age, I decided not to trust others and to always look for an end of happiness in every relationship. My brain became wrapped around the idea that people are always different than they appear, that all love has an expiration date and that no one will stick around. Don’t get too attached little one, they used to say, for people are never as they seem.
I could never truly be honest with the people around me. I could never tell my marriage, hungry friends, why the thought of doing the thing they craved the most scared the daylight out of me. I could never tell the people, who taught me everything I knew about family and marriage, why the thought of marriage made me want to run away and never come back.
Like I mentioned before, the reasons why I don’t want to get married are not surface answers like “it’s because of the dress” or “it’s because of all of the work it will take.” No, It’s because when I think about getting married my mind starts racing a million miles an hour. I get flashbacks of my parents fighting in the kitchen. I hear the sound of my aunt’s harsh words about her husband behind his back. I can smell the tears falling down my neighbor’s faces as her husband ridicules her in front of their friends. I feel the heartbreak of my sisters from all of the pain and suffering they’ve been through. I think about how sometimes, the hardest thing I had to do at the end of the day was to go home to a house that was full of contention and anger.
With all these thoughts, my head hurts because my brain ran at 500 miles an hour. A shaking sensation starts in my fingers and moves up my entire arm, spreading throughout my body. My heart would end up beating so fast I was afraid it would shatter my rib cage.
As I lay curled up on the floor, trying to control the shaking, the tears and my thoughts, I know that the deep-seeded fear of ending up in a marriage without love was here to stay. I came to a conclusion on almost daily basis that in a world full of people itching to get married and find the love of their life, I would rather be alone forever than be stuck in a terrible, heartbreaking marriage.
Featured Image from weheartit.