I’m always the first to admit I’m petrified of commitment.
The thought of spending the rest of my life with another person, completely intertwining our lives with one another to the point that that knot could never possibly get untangled no matter how hard I went at it with scissors takes my breath away in the least romantic way possible.
Oh – and don’t even get me started on the thought of having children.
I mean, just thinking about having to let something gestate inside me for ten months, moving my organs, making it so that I can’t bend or even lay down comfortably, then having to bring it into the world through ridiculous, searing pain, raise it for eighteen years, basically repeating grades K-12 with it, and teaching it right from wrong… No. I literally can’t. But I know a lot of you can.
People who aren’t afraid of commitment don’t get people who are.
Let me explain.
I have no favorite color, favorite music, hell, I don’t even have a favorite food. I used to be really into nail art, then I got really into movies, then I was a die-hard gym rat. After that all I could do with my life was read, then all I did was write, and after that I got super into painting.
I used to watch NCIS every day of my life but now I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen an episode. I used to listen to Maroon 5 exclusively but now all I listen to is rap. I used to be obsessed with… you can fill in the blank.
Do you see a pattern here?
If I can’t commit to myself, I can’t commit to anyone else.
I know it may seem like I’m just growing and don’t have the same interests anymore, but it goes beyond that. I’ve never had general interests that have stuck with me throughout my life like normal people.
I go all in, I go hard, then I never return to it again.
I’ve yet to reach the point of my life where I am a stable human being that knows exactly who they are, what they’re interested in, and where their life is going… which is precisely why I stay away from relationships.
Until I know who I am, I can’t know who you are.
Until I know what my interests are, I can’t share your interests.
Until I know where my life is going, I can’t combine it with your life.
A fear of commitment goes beyond being selfish and wanting to be alone. It’s not refusing to set roots and welcoming something that will be around permanently. It’s not hating children and not wanting to be bothered.
A fear of commitment is a fear of yourself, or the lack thereof.
I change on a daily basis.
One day I could argue until I give myself a headache about my stance on something and the next day have a completely different opinion. I can spend days, even months, painting or writing or working out, then one day wake up and just not be into it anymore.
I’ve yet to commit to myself so the thought of committing to someone else scares me. What happens when I change again? Will I want to stick around? Will they?
I don’t know, and I may never know.
What I do know, however, is this: Until I’m stable and secure in who I am, I’m happy with it just being me. I don’t need to force myself to commit to someone I’m not sure I’ll even like in a month because of some societal construction that says I need too.
It’s not healthy for me and it’s a dick move to pull on that person.
If this entire time you’ve been nodding your head and screaming, YES you get it! then here’s my advice to you:
Go ahead, continue being afraid of commitment. When you’re ready, you’ll face your fear. You’ll know who you are and you’ll know what you want.
Until then, enjoy yourself.
Featured Image via We Heart It.