We have all been there. After a hard day at work, you stop by happy hour thinking you can finally clear your head from the rough work week. Even better, Adult Root Beer is on special! So you have one. And then another. Before you know it, they are closing down the bar and all you are left with is a massive headache, a $300 bar tab, and a dead cell phone because you had the brilliant idea to tell everyone in your phone how much you truly love them, including your ex boyfriend.
Drunk texting is a serious issue. It doesn’t matter what you have to do to protect your friends or foes from your intoxicated self – lock it in a safe, don’t charge it, give it to a friend who has a death grip stronger than yours, or give it to your dog as a chew toy. Do what you have to do to avoid drunk texting.
If you do not believe me that you could be making a mistake when you drunk text, take a moment to consider the following:
1. Auto correct is for spelling, not for forming coherent sentences.
9 times out of 10, auto correct is drunk itself when you are having a sober day.
2. Drunken words are sober thoughts.
If you haven’t said it to them when you were sober, why would you say it to them when you are drunk? Adult beverages may give you the balls you need to say some things you wouldn’t normally say, but think about the consequences of telling your friend that her new haircut is not “fetch”.
3. Has a drunk text ever ended in a fairytale?
Did Walt Disney ever come out with a movie about a princess getting hammered after playing beer pong with her servant mice and drunk texting Prince Charming that he was wrong for even thinking about choosing her step sister over her?
4. Has a text after midnight ever been followed up with a romantic candle-light dinner?
When a text is sent after midnight for a meet up, it is only going to lead to one thing… Do not be naïve enough to think that a 2 AM text is going to end in hand holding while binge-watching on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmitt.
5. Have you ever said or done anything profound when you are drunk?
I am not talking about the grand idea of making a Taco Bell run when the bar closes, I am talking about forming a full coherent sentence with a beginning, middle and end that makes sense and that is not potentially embarrassing.
6. Snapchats may disappear, but your shame will not.
You are not Kim Kardashian; You do not need your goodies to be breaking the internet. Just because it says that it disappears, doesn’t mean that the idiot you are sending it to isn’t doing something to save it.
7. Regret. Shame. Dehydration. Taco Bell Indigestion.
Those are all the feelings that you have after a night of drunk texting. It is a very rare occasion when you wake up and think, “Yes. I am glad I professed my love for cucumbers to the guy I like. I also said that I love tomatoes, croutons and cheese, but screw those weird little chick peas. At least he thinks I eat salads everyday and not the Taco Bell which is all over my room right now…”
The thing to keep in mind about drunk texting, it is ALWAYS better to receive than to give. It may sound like a complete contradiction, but in the weirdest way possible, it is flattering to receive a drunk text. While someone is out of their mind and not able to function in real life, they managed to put down their beer, squint one eye, and attempt to focus long enough to send you a message. Hope that the Lucky of the Irish is in your favor and you receive all the drunk texts that you deserve!