Before I get started, please note that this article is not a cry for help. Logically, I am somewhat sure that I am lovable – I mean my family and friends have to love me? (internally hopes so). However, the irrational, emotional part of me does not agree with this. I’m 22 years old and am essentially the perpetually single friend I’m fine with that. Sure, it gets lonely and of course there are days when I long for someone who loves me unconditionally, but for the most part – I get by okay.
After a series of drastic relationships, it was my choice to stay completely single without any flings, flirty shitshows, or actual relationships for a year. After that year, I just didn’t care to be in a relationship and to be honest – I was still so hurt that I never allowed myself to open my heart to anything real. Being single has benefitted me in the long run in many ways– being independent, having a strong group of friend / family relationships, and being able to do anything solo. It’s also turned me into someone who is cynical sometimes, selfish, and untrustworthy of men in general.
Deep down – I am a hopeless romantic and one day, I am sure I’ll find someone who wants to be with me for who I am. Here are my 7 reasons on why I think being single for so long has caused me to become unlovable:
- I’ve Become Selfish
Being single for so long has made me set in my ways and I don’t think I’ll be changing anytime soon. I’ve become really selfish in the past few years, and while I know that I will need to compromise, it’ll take someone really special for me to even think of compromising.
- I’m Broken
My last relationship wounded me badly and has left me with trust issues with men in general. I will probably take my feelings out on you for things that you haven’t done because of my ex. No one wants to be blamed for something they didn’t do.
- I’m Cynical / Self-Conscious
While I am a hopeless romantic, I’ve become very cynical of the idea of love happening for me. I’m wary of any sort of romantic advances and any remote hints of someone trying to flirt with me. I’m super self-conscious and think I’m constantly f*cking up around boys because of what past loves have told me.
- My Friends
I won’t compromise my friendships for you. I have seen way too many women sacrifice and lose themselves and their support system and for a man. I’ve been the one who has lost a friend and the one who has been caught up in a boy. While there will have to be compromises, my friends and family will always come first.
- I’m Busy AF
Mind you, this is also my reason for being single for so long. I truly am busy and do all that I do for good reason. It started from trying to not miss my ex, but now I’m always busy and I love it. I don’t know what to do with myself if I’m not busy and I refuse to give up any of my commitments because I’m passionate about all of them.
- I Love My Social Life
Honestly, 10/10 times of me going out is because I love to dance and eat food that’s bad for me at 2 AM. I know there are ladies who stop going out because they only went out to the bars to meet a man anyways. I’m not one of them. I’m out to have a good time with my friends and dance the night away. I need someone who can trust me and who wants to either join me or be okay with me going out all the time.
- I’ve Learned To Be Alone
Because I’ve been burned by heartbreak, it will take a patient person to peel off the superficial layers and get to know who I am. I will try to push you away and will probably do things to make you mad, simply because I’m scared. I’ve learned to be alone and enjoy it.
I’d like to think that all the downfalls that I’ve listed will also be the qualities that someone will fall in love with. I know my faults and know that I need to change in order to better myself. Through all the negatives, being single has led me to discovering things about myself that I would have not known if I was consistently in a relationship. Despite the things that make my “unlovable”, I have a great support system in place and while it’d be nice to have someone to cuddle up with on lonely nights, my family and friends are all I need.
Featured image via Dids on Pexels
That’s more or less how I feel except for two differences – one I’m a boy and two I’m not at as much peace with being unlovable. The empirical way to verify this claim is to consider that every girl has rejected me so far and the internal way to confirm this is to consider that I’m a misfit. But loved your honesty in bringing this up. I’ll write a blog post myself on this sometime, but it was great to know that you didn’t preach the unactionable bs of positive thinking. You’re not alone!
I’ll never find a man because of my kids. I’d just as soon be dead than be alone.
I too am unlovable. I have not been loved since I was 8 years old. I am now 55. I spend my life wondering what is so bad about me that I don’t exist to anyone. But I am used to feeling and being alone . I am even married…and alone.
amazingly written article you have put my life into words
I’ve given up hope of finding anyone to share my days with because women see me as the ‘too nice to date guy friend’ and repeatedly banish me to the ‘friend zone’ with the ‘Three Speeches’.
The ‘Three Speeches’ begin with the “You’re a ‘nice guy’, but not for me” speech. This is quickly followed by the “There’s someone out there for you, but it’s not me” speech which offers false hope, and ends with the “I love you, but not that way” speech which feels like a hot, acid dipped knife being twisted in the wound.
What is especially frustrating is that I’ve been complimented on how I treat women, but I still end up being banished to the deepest levels of the ‘friend zone’.