When people mention the term “bad sex,” people usually laugh and say that it couldn’t have been that bad. But, everyone has an experience that they won’t forget-and not because it was mind-blowingly awesome. We’ve all experienced the one or two, or maybe even five times when we’ve had absolutely horrible sex. And, no one would blame you for having to stop mid-hump or even laugh a couple of times if it’s that awful.
Whether it’s because you’re the Sahara desert down south or because your man had 6 shots too many and his whiskey dick catches up with him-we’ve been there, no judgement. If all else fails, and he can’t find your g-spot, at least you can take the time to laugh with yourself.
1. No, I don’t want to foreplay and pretend to be a french maid.
What is it with guys and roleplaying as seriously ridiculous things? Can you be more generic?
2. Please don’t cum in my eye. Please.
Or on my face. Or in my hair. Or anywhere on me for that matter.
3. Are you in? Wait…you’re in?
How unfortunate for you.
4. When is this going to be over?
This has already been two minutes too long.
5. Where did he learn this? PornLovers.org? Get a new porn site dude.
Switch up the positions, and stop with the ridiculously weird dirty talk. I’m not your “cute little sex kitten.”
6. What alphabet are you spelling down there?
Stay up north…please.
7. Do you know any other position besides missionary?
I mean, there’s other territory we can explore, Columbus.
8. I said NOT THE BUTT!
How hard is it to understand plain English? Not in the butt means Not. In. The. Butt.
9. At least I got my workout in tonight. I wonder how many calories I burned.
Now I can skip the gym tomorrow, maybe the next day too.
10. I wonder how I look from this angle.
Is my makeup still on? I hope my eyeliner isn’t completely ruined.
11. I could be binge watching Friends on Netflix right now.
I really want to watch the episode where Ross and Rachel get back together…for the 5th time.
12. Why are you sweating so much? Do you need a towel?
I think I just felt a drop on my forehead. This is getting gross.
13. I wonder if he can tell I’m faking it.
Do guys ever know if we’re faking it? I mean, is it really that obvious?
14. Did you shower today? Is that gouda cheese I smell?
The least you could do is be hygienically prepared.
15. You may think this position is sexy, but you also thought tacos for dinner were a good idea.
Keep pushing my legs in the air and I may blow up like an atomic bomb.
16. How do porn stars sound so good when they moan? Do I sound like a dying cat?
How do I not sound super sarcastic while pretending I actually enjoy this?
Charlie Horse. I repeat: Charlie Horse!
18. Why do men enjoy dry humping so much? I’m not in middle school anymore.
Plus, the pleating on your jeans is giving me a serious rug burn all on my goodies.
19. Can we just do doggy and call it a night?
That’s what guys like anyway…right?
20. Mental note: Call Sam to discuss horrible sex.
Best way to cheer up your best friend is by filling them in on your series of unfortunate sexcipades.
21. Was that a moan or are you choking? Do you need CPR?
I’m honestly not sure…Should I ask if he’s okay?
22. Please don’t queef, please don’t queef, please don’t queef.
23. Good thing I shaved for this…not.
I spent all that on a brazilian for this? Yolanda will be so displeased with me.
24. How many more times are you going to say “almost there?”
At this rate, Christmas is almost here too.
25. Can I borrow your phone to delete my number?
Please don’t call me for a rerun of this. Or send me any dick pics. Ever.
26. Yup, this is the last time I’m seeing you, get a good mental picture.
Adios, Ciao, Au Revoir, Sayonara!
Even though bad sex can seem like a huge waste of time and disappointment, there’s always an upside to everything in life. You learn what to avoid in the future, what you do and don’t like from a guy in bed, and best of all-bad sex leaves you with a great story.
Featured Image via Aerie.