If you don’t live under a rock, then you’re probably aware that Facebook may be introducing a dislike button. Now, whilst I don’t encourage or condone a tool that most likely will be used as a form of cruelty, I am somewhat intrigued. That little b*tch in me can’t help but be aware of the times a dislike button could come very in handy.
1. Unnecessary PDA
You’re in love, I get it, but there are some things I shouldn’t have to see. I love a sweet picture of a couple hugging or a celebratory image, and a heartwarming throwback is lovely, but an after sex selfie is not. Unless you are being funny with this overshare than I don’t want to see it. Stop insulting my eyes with your gropey nakedness.
2. The Passive Aggressive/Dramatic Status
We all know that person, the one who makes a dig at a person only to reply in the comments with an “oh it’s nothing” or a “message me.” NO, do not tease me with your shadiness, if you are going to be a b*tch, be a B*TCH. The only reason I’m reading the comments is to see the drama. Anything less deserves the biggest of dislikes.
3. The Feel-Bad-For-Me-Post
We all have bad days, we’re all guilty of a woe me status update, but when someone is constantly throwing their own public pity party on Facebook it can get a bit tiresome. I want to be a good friend, I truly do, but after the third cry me a river post I’m going to run out of patience with the “I’m sorry babes,” “Hope you feel better soon,” “I’m here if you need me,” and other sympathetic stock messages. There comes a point where I’ll be officially done. DISLIKE.
4. The Bragging/Flaunting Post
Your life is awesome, we can all see it and it’s great. If it’s real. When you’re friends with someone in real life and are aware that those thirsty Thursday photos are weeks old, and those “I love my job” posts are complete lies, then the eyes must be rolled. I’m not going to call you out, but if there was a dislike button I’d probably press it.
5. Ill-Informed/Ignorant Opinions
Dislike, dislike, and dislike again. Having an opinion is great, feeling the need to bombard people constantly with these opinions is just about bearable, but when you make sweeping statements about shit that you don’t know, or even seem to truly understand?…Just go away.
6. The Terrifying, Pee-Inducing Photos
Okay, admittedly this one is just me being a wimp, but do not share gruesome images. I do not want to see a graphic image of a disease, or a boil being popped. The last thing I need to see when I’m casually scrolling as I eat my lunch, is some unruly insect burrowing its way into any bodily orifice.
7. The Mundane Hour-To-Hour Updates
Oh you’re having cheese in your sandwich today, that’s really interesting, are you having red Leicester or just cheddar? What about salad? Are you having any, or are you going to be a rebel and just go saladless today? Do these questions sound ridiculous? YES, because no one cares. No one cares about your cheese or your salad. Go to a sandwich forum, document it on Instagram, or put it on Twitter but stay far away from my FACEBOOK.
8. The Model Pics
I am still confused as to how you have so much time to take soo many photos of YOURSELF. A picture of yourself drinking coffee, a picture of yourself holding the now empty cup of coffee, a picture of yourself getting up having drank said cup of coffee. I don’t know whether I should dislike or be seriously impressed by your dedication.
9. The Hypocritical Status Condemning Social Media
“Oh how this generation has let themselves down. They feel the need to share all of their thoughts and feelings on social media.”
Excuse you, you do realize that you’re currently airing your thoughts and feelings on SOCIAL MEDIA.
10. The Mini Sermon Sending All Of Its Readers To Hell
Good for you, you have something in your life that you’re really passionate about. Just a little heads up, not everyone is as super passionate about everything you’re passionate about, and when you begin spamming feeds with your passive-aggressive posts that stink of judgment you will become the victim of my URL badman tool, the dislike button.
The reality of the situation is, if I am given a dislike button I’d probably end up disliking every form of a post on Facebook and lose almost all of my friends in the process. Nothing good can come of a dislike button, it will release the inner bitch in all of us. Those off days that would normally be spent eye-rolling would instead be used disliking and subsequently regretting the day after. So for the sake of my social life, I hope that this dislike button never sees the light of day, but if it does…apologies in advance.