After a weekend full of eating and drinking, we wake up Monday morning exhausted and a few pounds heavier than we were on Friday. We know that we have to get to the gym, so we put on a pair of shorts and a shirt that doesn’t match, pull our hair back, and without even brushing our teeth, we run out the door. When we finally get to the gym, we are immediately bombarded by loud rap music, thoughts that our sprained ankle from 6th grade might be making a comeback, and the feeling that those running shorts just don’t fit the way that they used to. And if being at the gym wasn’t bad enough, we’re surrounded by all of the people that we love to hate the most:
- The girl that’s gutsy enough to go to the weight lifting room
Thank you for making us feel bad about ourselves. Not only do you flex your muscles in our faces, but you have 50 hot, buff guys around you, while we can’t escape from the creepy old guy who won’t stop staring while he awkwardly stretches his groin.
- The guy that won’t stop shaking his protein bottle
What is that nasty, brown concoction really doing for you? Because we’ve seen you at the gym for the last month and you don’t look any different. And can you also stop shaking that? It’s mixed enough. That stupid ball has been clicking against the side of the container for the past 20 minutes, and we’re trying to concentrate on what meal we’re going to eat when we go home.
- The tan jerk with huge muscles that’s been on that machine for an hour
Not that we really want to use it, but you’ve been working on your biceps for the past 4,000 reps. Why don’t you get up, while we stand here sweaty and impatient, and work on your legs? They’re looking a little disproportionate to the rest of your gigantic body.
- The old guy that’s been looking at you for a little too long
That old guy who wore jeans to the gym has been staring a little too long while you’re doing squats in the corner. The whole ordeal turns into a creepy staring contest, and considering he hasn’t blinked in the past 20 minutes he’s been looking at you, he’s the winner. Sometimes, we just want to say, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer. Actually, don’t do that.”
- The girl that’s way too into herself that’s wearing only a sports bra and spandex shorts
Is it really necessary for you to show off your perfectly fit body to the rest of us? This is a fitness center, not a fashion show. While you’re fixing your flawless, straight ponytail in the mirror for the hundredth time, we’re over here in an oversized t-shirt and baggy shorts, huffing and puffing, red-faced, with a sweat mustache, just while walking in between machines. Congratulations. You’re really fit. Good for you.
- The old lady that keeps asking you how that machine works
Clearly by the way we look, we’re not an expert on anything at the gym, let alone the machine you want to use that contorts your body like the 5th round of a game of Twister. Why don’t you just read the instructions on the machine like the rest of us and leave us who are really trying to focus on our workout (or on that last slice of pizza in the fridge) alone?
- The perpetual sweater
You’re dripping all over every machine, and making it a point to not clean up after yourself. Everyone feels uncomfortable and is trying to stay out of your way, as liquid flies from your body when you move between equipment. We leave the gym, checking under our arms and looking at our behind, while whispering, “I seriously hope that’s not me.”
Whether we’re training for a marathon or just trying to work off the weekend’s festivities, we all have those people that we love to hate on when we go to the gym. We’re constantly focused on the people who make our lives just a little less enjoyable, but hey, that’s less time we’re focused on working out, so maybe those people aren’t so bad after all. Deep down, we know that all of us are one of them ourselves… Which one are you?