I’m almost there.
I’m almost to the point where I start pushing people away again. The point where the ones I love the most are the most dangerous because they are the closest to seeing it all. I’m almost at the point where I don’t want anyone close enough to touch me. I don’t want them close enough to see how much I’m hurting. I’m almost at that point where I feel like hiding under my bed with a fuzzy blanket and not coming out for days. Just hiding away from the world until I feel better. Pretending to be asleep half the day so my roommate won’t try to talk to me or pretending to be too busy to hang out with anyone who asks.
And why? Why can I feel myself slipping back into the idea that both loneliness and isolation are better than the truth? Why does being all alone feel like such an appealing call right now?
Because I have an idea in my head of how people see me and I like that picture. I like the idea of the girl who is always strong and never weak enough to get sick. The idea of a girl who can handle her alcohol no matter how much she drinks. I like the thought that people don’t see my flaws and weak moments. I like the fact that I can hide the weakness I have in me from a lot of people. I want to hold on to the idea of me that they have in their head.
I want to do everything possible not to shatter that image I see reflected back in their eyes when they look at me.
Now I know what you are thinking. No one can be strong all the time. Everyone has flaws and people know that. They understand that. When you show them your flaws, you become more likable. More human. It can even be a source of bonding for them. Yeah. I know. I fully understand all of that and recognize it to be true.
But there is still this idea that people see me one way and I wish I was actually more like that. By them believing I am that way, at least that girl lives in some form, even if it’s not based on reality at all. At least that form of me can exist in some world, in someone’s reality.
So I slip into the realm of hiding. I stay out of the way as much as possible and out of sight until I’m better enough to be seen again. Until I’m strong enough to at least halfway to resemble the picture of the strong girl that people have in their heads.
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