The Final Recap To Nick Viall’s Season Of ‘The Bachelor’

Drumroll, please… last night was the night we have been waiting for since January. Me, especially, for two reasons. One, I wanted to prove that I was right about who Nick would pick, and two, I wanted this goddamn show to be over with already. Previous kept teasing us that there would be a “historic” moment in Bachelor history, which means we should *probably* care. I know I don’t.

Raven Meets The Fam Bam
A swift reminder that Raven met his parents and sister, Bella on their first date. Carry on.

I can’t get over how every single one of Nick’s siblings looks like a funhouse version of him. Side note: I found his brother Luke on a dating app (as I live in Wisconsin), but that’s a story for another time. Anyway, I think it’s adorable that Raven has such a good connection with Nick’s sister, Bella. However, she’s marrying Nick, not Bella, and a good relationship with his sister is not enough to put a ring on it. Raven told Nick’s dad that she was hoping to get a proposal out of this, yet his dad does not seem fazed at all by it. Uh, hello? You’ve known him for maybe a month?

I’m also wondering if this is his parent’s home or a hunting lodge in Finland. The decor looks as if they should be passing a peace pipe around. His parent’s look exhausted like they’re 100% done with his Bachelor shit. I agree with your parents, Nicholas. Pick a chick and move on.

UPDATE: They are in Finland. His parents do not live in a hunting lodge.

Vanessa Meets The Family
I’m wondering why Nick picks up these girls every time he sees them. I would get so irritated with that. Anyway, Vanessa tells his family about their first date but neglects to tell them about how she yakked everywhere and then they made out afterward.

Vanessa gets super emotional when talking to his family about she feels about Nick, and even his mom and one of his sisters gets emotional about it too. But first, she wants to know if Mrs. Viall thinks he’s rushing into it. Jesus Christ, Vanessa…think about things before you say them. This is the Bachelor. “Is dating for 7 weeks before getting engaged too soon?” Uh, yeah. Dammit, Vanessa.

All of these concerns she’s voicing to his mom and his sister, all I’m wondering is why don’t you talk to him about these? These are concerns that definitely need to be discussed before you get engaged or the relationship is not going to last at all. Vanessa and Nick’s dad are having a cryfest. Now they’re going to braid each other’s hair. Okay, not really.

Dayuummm, Mr. and Mrs. Viall give some good ass advice. All in favor of them having their own show where they give out relationship advice? *raises both hands* Real talk, why does Nick’s oldest sister look like she’s constantly in pain? Nick’s brothers both look like they’re just like, “dude, I’m just here for the free trip.”

Vanessa’s Date
“Nordic traditions” = horseback riding? Horseback riding in the snow? I’d hardly call that a Nordic tradition. Creepy! There’s a Santa Claus hiding in the woods! Aaaaand they show up at Santa’s shack in the woods. I don’t think they understand what he’s saying. Do they get subtitles, too?

This is suuuuuch a dumb date. This is ridiculous. JUST PROPOSE TO SOMEONE ALREADY. END IT AND PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY.

She tells Nick that she doesn’t want to end up with him just because her relationship with him was slightly greater than other relationships. Girl, check yourself. You’re on the f*cking Bachelor.

Raven’s Date
First of all, why are Raven’s knees wet? Can we talk about this? Is she doing a lil somethin-somethin behind the wood shed? I’m pretty sure the entirety of their relationship has been ice skating or some form of skating if you want to include the roller skating from their first date.

And of course, this has escalated to full on making out on the ice. Like he is laying on top of her. Ick. Get a room. Or get a hut. Whatever it is they live in Finland.

Nick just came back to the fire with an armful of husky puppies. HUSKY PUPPIES. This is officially the greatest date ever. Where can I get something like this?

The Proposal
At first, this episode alluded to Nick just peacing out of this season empty handed, but I could tell from the moment that Raven walked in the room and the look on Nick’s face has “no” written all over it. It broke my heart to listen to Raven ramble on about her feelings and to watch Nick’s face. He clearly wasn’t into it. Every season I wonder why these people can’t see it on their faces like we do? How do you not know?! Poor Raven. There’s still time to cut his brakes on the way out!

Vanessa doesn’t know if she’s ready to say yes to Nick’s proposal. This is so nerve-wracking. Nick is over the moon just looking at her. You can tell in her eyes that something is wrong. Oh, shit what if she says no? This is so sweet. Dammit, Nick, you do things to me. SHE SAID YES. VANESSA WINS. THE SHOW’S OVER. WE CAN NOW GO ON WITH OUR LIVES.

GOODNIGHT, AMERICA.

Feature image via screengrab of the Bachelor

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