I don’t know what to do with him. I always find a way to understand my feelings, but with him it’s different. He confuses me, he makes my heart unable to comprehend it’s own feelings. It’s been driving me crazy for way too long, literally months. I thought I would know everything about us by now, but I’m not even close! Saying I’m emotionally exhausted is the understatement of the year.
We were first best friends with no intentions of progressing further than that, then we got a little “carried away” and tried dating. He told me he didn’t want to be with me but that he wanted to continue being my best friend (easier said than done). Our problem with being together is that we both have this missing feeling in our guts when it comes to our relationship, but I was willing to overlook it. After that, he told me he was confused about his feelings and damn, so was I. That’s where we are at this moment. So now, I’m writing with the hope of finding answers within myself.
As soon as I believe I’m getting somewhere, he stands in front of me and everything goes blurry again.
I’m scared. I’m scared that something will go wrong and you won’t be in my life anymore in any capacity. I don’t know if I can handle that. I want to talk to you every second of the day. The moment you walk out the door or hang up, I wait until the next time I get to talk to you. I’m most confused because I want to be with you, and I don’t know if I could be just your friend. You may call it selfish, but I’ve been told that sometimes you have to be.
So I did it, something I didn’t know I would be able to do. I asked him for a break. It’s funny because we’re not even dating but it felt that way. He was not happy with my decision. He thought I was wrong and that I was making up excuses to push him away. I needed to do it for myself, to see if I would be okay without him. I asked him for three days, quite a short time if you ask me. He agreed unhappily after seeing my perspective and that was the beginning of our break.
The next day I spent a lot of time thinking about him, but I tried my best to distract myself. It didn’t work very well; he can really take a toll on my mind. I wondered if he would try to talk to me, I was secretly hoping he would. I already missed him.
He called me in less than 24 hours of our break beginning asking if he could come over later. I didn’t know how to be strong enough to say no… so I said yes.
When he walked in I felt anxious, what was he going to say? He told me that he was hurt because I was trying to push him out and that it could never happen again. He reminded me that he always wants me to be in his life. He had felt upset all day and I was a little surprised; he’s not the emotional type. I looked at him and something felt different. The way I looked at him was different and in that moment I said something I’d been trying to for a while “I think I want to date you,” I said nervously. “I think I want to date you too,” he replied.
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