I hate blank space. Whether it be on a piece of paper or in the air, the absence of communication scares me. I have to fill the paper with words and speak sound into the air. The silence is deafening.
But I can’t seem to string together a proper sentence. As soon as my hands hit the keyboard they begin to clam up. The thought of writing a sentence is too scary. What if it isn’t good enough? What if the grammar isn’t correct? What if it sounds bad when I repeat it out loud? What if I have to completely erase it and start from scratch? What if I fail?
Even writing this feels like a failure. I have used my backspace button more times than any other key on my keyboard. Nothing sounds right. Everything sounds stupid. Even the word “stupid” is stupid. I am a college-aged writer and yet the best word I can use to describe my writing is “stupid.” Why not ludicrous, meaningless, or unintelligent? And yes, I did just look up all those words on thesaurus.com. But why stupid? Why, if it bothers me so much, do I not just backspace the last five sentences and replace stupid with another word instead of complaining? Well, simply because the more I type, the less blank space there is that needs to be filled.
The more I type, the better I feel. I’m not even writing about anything in particular, but the gradual string of the letters that appears across my laptop screen gives me some sense of relief.
Featured image via unsplash.