Ah, the official first week of The Bachelor. Last week was the season premiere, where all of the duds were weeded out and now we begin all of the dates! This show, in general, makes me want to cringe and drink a lot. If this show is the future of dating, then you can count me out. I want to take a shot every time a girl on here says “I’m here for Nick.” No shit, Sherlock. Who else would you be here for? Chris Harrison? Free chicken wings (me)? For lack of better words, this episode was f*cking nuts. Drama is no stranger to The Bachelor, however, it’s rare that this show goes this balls to the wall right off the bat. I don’t even know how to f*cking articulate the thoughts in my head right now because I cringe every time I have a ‘Nam-like flashback when I try to think about it. Here goes nothing.
First group date
The first date was a group date, where the girls had to dress up like brides and take wedding pictures with Nick and act out their characters that they were assigned. Trouble began the minute Corinne was assigned the beach bride, which contained nothing less than a bikini top, skirt, and veil. She was convinced that she was the “hottest bride” but then lost her shit when Brittany came out wearing nothing but a leaf-covered bikini bottom(I quote: “Brittany is half-naked and that is freaking me out. She better not steal my thunder or I will literally punch her in the face.” Now a show with some mild violence is one I can get behind). The whole shoot was awkward, and I literally only say any kind of connection between Nick and Alexis. Shit got super real when Corinne and her petty ass decided to ditch her bikini top and make Nick cradle those boobies. The girls looked on in horror, as did America.
Corinne interrupted everyone
As if winning more alone time with Nick as a result of winning the group date competition was not enough, she was the first out of the gates at their lounge time (what the f*ck do they even call that?), stealing Nick away to basically just make-out. If that was not enough, she interrupted Alexis’s time with Nick and kicked her to the curb to make-out some more. AND IF THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH, she ruthlessly interrupted Taylor’s time with him as well to play some more tonsil hockey. God bless, Taylor grew a pair and took her time back, but then Corinne went psycho and went on a rant to the girls about how “if you can’t handle being interrupted, then why are you here?” She also took the opportunity to refer to herself in the third person as her eyes were glazed over from all the fricken alcohol she drank. If you’ve been living under a rock or had hope that Corinne would pull through, it’s hard to avoid that fact now that Corinne is batshit crazy.
Corinne won the group date rose
Nick further condoned her behavior by awarding her the group rose, which made the girls rightfully lose their f*cking minds. What the f*ck, Nick? Are you here to f*ck around or are you here to find a wife? GOOD NEWS, LADIES, IF YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND BE A RUDE-ASS MESS, YOU, TOO, CAN WIN THE HEART OF A MAN.
Second group date
Nick took the ladies to see his extensive collection of all his engagement rings from his past failed relationships that are now on display in some museum of love. I’m kind of kidding. But for real, he donated his final rose for Kaitlyn and his engagement ring to the museum and they all sat and stared at it longingly. Group activity for this one was getting to act out break-ups in front of a live audience. Thought the shit might hit the fan at first, but then it was kind of cool, and then I was definitely right. Liz went last Nick literally rolled his eyes and Christen’s epic jaw drop was all of us as she had a death grip on Astrid’s arm, because… *drum roll please*
LIZ LOWKEY TOLD THE GIRLS ABOUT HER HOOKUP WITH NICK
Liz spent most of the episode casually telling us over and over again that she had sex with Nick. WE GET IT. You got it in, you never called him… America, take a shot. Liz, you need to quit being a f*ckboy. Apparently, she couldn’t help herself and had to tell Christen, who promised she wouldn’t say anything to anyone – a promise she kept until Nick asked her about it and she cracked like an egg thrown at your ex’s car. Liz poured her heart and soul into her breakup speech with Nick and the girls all rightfully thought it was weird. They couldn’t even finish the group date before Nick called Liz out on her bullshit and sent her blindly packing and stumbling into the night like a baby deer (girl, learn how to walk in heels).
The episode left us hanging as Nick comes clean to the girls and they all lose their shit. Am I missing something? This happened nine months before they filmed this season. He sent her home. What more do you women want? You’ve known him for literally a week (which is probably actually like three days in real life Bachelor time). This show stresses me out. Here’s to the shitshow that’s sure to be in store for us next week *clinks glasses*.
Feature image via screengrab of the Bachelorette