A Modern And Consensual Twist To ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’

When December (or the day after Halloween) rolls around, the Christmas music comes on. We all love it. We can’t help but sing along. But let’s be honest, some of the songs are a little overdone and outdated. This song, while catchy and has the right idea, isn’t always the most consensual or up to date. I’ve updated Baby, It’s Cold Outside to better reflect our changing times, and the man’s more…should we say… respectful actions throughout the song.

Woman: I really can’t stay.

Man: Totally understandable! Let me get you home safely.

Woman: I’ve got to go away.

Man: (pulls out his phone and opens Uber.) Absolutely – I’m ordering you an Uber as we speak!

Woman: (moves in closer to man) This evening has been so very nice!

Man: May I put my arm around you?

Woman: (doesn’t hear the question) My mother will start to worry.

Man: You live with your parents? (phone dings, looks down at his phone) Michael is six minutes away!

Woman: My father will be pacing the floor.

Man: I can cancel the Uber and just drive you home!

Woman: I really should scurry.

Man: I don’t feel comfortable with you walking alone. Let me put on my jacket and shoes and I will walk you!

Woman: Well, maybe just half a drink more.

Man: (looks confused)

Woman: What will the neighbors think?

Man: I don’t think they care, but I would be happy to go and talk to them!

Woman: Say, what’s in this drink?

Man: Umm, you brought the wine.

Woman: I wish I knew how to break the spell.

Man: Spell?

Woman: I ought to say no, no, no, no, no.

Man: I think that would be best.

Woman: At least I can say that I tried.

Man: Tried what?

(Woman and Man both look out a window and see it has started snowing again.)

Woman: Baby, it’s cold outside!

Man: It’s getting bad out there. No pressure, but you should try and make a decision before the roads get even worse.

Woman: I really should go.

Man: (phone dings, man looks down) Great – Michael is 3 minutes away!

Woman: The answer is no.

Man: But, I didn’t ask a question. Do you not want to take an U–

Woman: This welcome has been so nice and warm!

Man: Look out the window; it’s really getting bad out there!

Woman: My sister will be suspicious.

Man: You told me you were an only child.

Woman: My brother will be there at the door.

Man: Brother?

Woman: Maybe just a cigarette more?

Man: You know what, I’m just going to drive you.

Woman: Say, lend me a coat.

Man: Okay. So we’re leaving?

Woman: You’ve really been grand, but don’t you see?

Man: Ummm…

Woman: There’s bound to be talk tomorrow.

Man: Talk? Only good things, I’m sure!

Woman: Baby, it’s cold outside.

Man: I think we’ve established that. I think the Uber is h—

Woman: At least there will be plenty implied.

Man: Wait…what do you mean by implied?

Woman: I really can’t stay. Baby, it’s cold outside!

Man: Uber is here! (man gives woman his coat and escorts her to Uber)

Michael: It sure is cold outside!

While we all love this beloved song, we have to realize that the wording is a little off. Hopefully, this version will bring this song into the modern age, and also into a more consensual light.

Featured Image via Brandon Woelfel

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