My childhood was basically a steady diet of Disney cinema. I was there when Ariel, God bless her, boldly purred her velvety vocals away to that down-and-out sea witch. I was there for Aladdin’s swift and dramatic metamorphosis into a waspy Prince Ali Ababwa. And seriously, who could forget the undeniable sparks between our girl Cinderella and Prince Charming before she made that GASP-worthy exist? Who?
Disney films were my VCR mainstays. The princesses were my high-powered heroines, my Beyonce’s before Beyoncé, if you will. Their cautionary tales taught me volumes about what to expect from my future, namely a fairytale involving pageant hair. Grab your favorite childhood snack (may I suggest the glorified ring pop? The real who’s who of prepubescent candy) and saddle up for nostalgia-heavy feels. Below are notes on the crucial lessons I learned from the beloved Disney film franchise.
- If your boss is the type to make fur coats out of puppies, don’t f*ck with her.
- When you come across objects with human facial features and comedy chops that particularly enjoy performing musicals and serenading you with a random buffet-style feast, go with it. Beats a day at the office.
- If you’re forced to abandon your comfy millennial ways to go on a family camping trip, a canoe ride just around the river bend with the closest non-threatening raccoon you can find is the most fun you can have without a Wi-Fi connection.
- When you have a pet tiger named Rajah, naturally, you’ve reached the height of luxury.
- Sea witches are of the garbage variety. I don’t care how enticing their M.A.C. cosmetics collection may be or what kind of functioning walkers they promise, they are not to be trusted. Plus, it’s not normal social behavior to be bargaining with entities that have eight tentacles anyway. Find a genie or get a job or something.
- Kudos to the Sunscreen Queen herself, Snow White, for that alabaster glow. Snow inspired my past pale self to embrace my pasty genetics with zeal. Her nighttime skincare regimen alone must be quite the event. We’re talking, flawless, people. I mean, what else is a teen, pre-technology boom, going to do with her time anyway? There are only so many pies one can bake without going Martha Stewart bonkers. Still, I worship her efforts. I do.
- F*ckboys and fedora-donning lads are one in the same. When said bro wakes you in the middle of the night, (Wrong. On. So. Many. Levels.) to, get this, take you to a faraway place to kick it with a bunch of unsupervised twelve-year-olds, suspiciously seductive lady friends, AND a manically unstable pirate with a disturbing ruffle fetish, get the hell out of dodge! I mean, girlfriend, you are better than this leprechaun! Opt out with a bold Chandler Bing move: text him that you moved to Yemen.
- When life gives you a flamboyant warthog and a neurotic meerkat instead of all the riches you so rightfully deserve, you can just smoke another doobie and chant “hakuna matata” because you’re a lion and don’t adhere to that 9-5 hogwash.
- It’s just not practical to wear a lavish blonde gown, heels and white gloves that we all know you bought just for this safari into the jungle. I don’t care what kind of semi-civilized chap you’re trying to impress, there is a fine line between sexy and stupid.
- First of all, the words “glass” and “slippers” really have no business together. They actually don’t fashion the most practical footwear. Sure, Cinderella magically escapes the potential disaster of bloody feet diced by slippers made of glass, of all things, but they are in fact slippers, which also don’t make for a sleek getaway.
- Birds are always looking for humans to musically collaborate with. And the world can always use another Disney sing-a-long.
- Generally, the oldest person around, be it a fairy godmother, a willow tree, a maternal teapot, or a caterpillar lit on hookah, will bring the wisdom to next level expert.
- When you go to rescue your pesky, absent-minded father, make sure to pack a pair of reading glasses and your Sunday best because the castle you end up at may just include a boss-ass library and the prince of darkness who is entering dapper man-bun territory.
- When you’re ready to settle down and meet someone, grab a spotted canine and fully charged smart phone for a trip to the park. Enjoy endless hours of Facebook stalking while you let your pet do the mate scouting for you. Works sixty percent of the time every time.
- Just when you think that you’ve finally got the whole life thing figured out, recently adopting the motto “I laugh in the face of danger,” life (or sometimes hyenas) will come back to bite you on the lion tail. Instead, assume a more humble approach and perhaps chill over at the local Target instead of shady places called Elephant Graveyard. Idk, I can’t do everything for you.
- When you have a crush that you don’t want your parents to find out about, perhaps don’t hoard a life-size statue in his honor. But, I get it Ari. We’ve all been there. Someone get this angsty teen a waterproof diary already.
- Next time your lousy, soul-threatening customer service job can’t afford you a fresh summer wardrobe, turn to your trusted gangly-tailed companions. Turns out mice know a thread or two about fashioning garments for needy servants with high-class dreams.
- Stealing food is totally legit if you are a budding commoner with champion biceps and Clooney-esque charm. I didn’t make the rules.
- If you generously sprinkle cocaine right above your hairline, it will give you and your siblings the illusion that you can fly right on over to a magical land. Do not try this at home, kids.
See, don’t you already feel smarter and more prepared to tackle any mood-threatening devastation this side of Disneyland? We’ve learned so much together. This was fun. Let’s do it again sometime.
Featured image via screengrab from Aladdin.