For as long as I can remember, I always thought about what kind of mother I want to be. The kind of cupcakes I would bake for the PTA meetings. If I would become the organized, perky, carpool driving, typical soccer mom. If I would be passive or insanely strict with my kids. If I will give them everything under the sun or make them work for what they want. Not once when thinking of these things did I consider I would have a partner to share some of these responsibilities and decisions with, and for good reason.
I grew up with parents who passionately resented each other. The constant yelling, crying, kicking each other out of the house and the complete lack of affection for one another… I just observed them over the years and because of that, I came to the realization of not wanting that for me or my future children. I know I am more than capable of raising kids on my own. Hell, I pretty much raised my sister and she thanks me every day for what I’ve taught her. But with that said, I am not one hundred percent blaming my parents for influencing my reason to seriously consider being a single mom, but in all honesty, they most certainly played a role in opening up my eyes to other possibilities.
There are many factors that contribute to my perspective on why I think being an intentional single mother, would be a blessing. I mean, of course there are going to be those people who think I am nuts for even discussing this, but I have my own valid reasons to solidify why this makes sense for me.
Let’s be honest; sperm banks and insemination are one of the most genius ideas scientists have yet to come up with for women. It has given women the opportunity to choose when and how they get pregnant, including what the sperm donor physically looks like, their genetic make-up, medical history and so forth. This procedure applies to a wide spectrum of women who have the opportunity to decide for themselves, how to get pregnant in the way of their choosing. Especially those who decide they are ready for children and just haven’t met “Mr. Right” yet. It could also apply to women who have no desire to meet a man, fall in love and make babies the “old-fashioned way.” After all, it is 2016. It’s also useful to women who have experienced severe sexual trauma and would rather take control of this next chapter in their life themselves.
Being a single mom would mean having the ability and responsibility to raise my children the way I see fit. With it being only me, I have full control which means no compromise. My beliefs and lessons won’t be cut short because I have to incorporate someone else’s feelings or opinions into my way of doing things. I get to be my own person and not have to worry about sharing or collaborate ideas with someone else.
My kids will never have to be woken up by arguing late at night, or walk into the house and feel that instant, uncomfortable tension because they know Mommy and Daddy were just fighting. I will never have to explain to my husband why I am doing things a certain way or why I am right. There will simply be peace and bliss. I am not perfect by any means, for all I know I will be fighting with my kids every other day, and God knows some days it will be a constant uphill battle. It won’t be a walk in the park, but for me, it’ll be enough and it’ll be worth it. Being able to be in control of what my children’s environment will be like, what they will be able to do and what they won’t be able to get away with. Everything will be a learning experience for all of us, most definitely. But we get to be a family where I can be solely responsible for their well-being.
Lastly, I have the freedom to complete independence when it comes to making the rules, setting up curfews, deciding what food they will eat and what day is dedicated to us just lounging and watching a movie. I will be the one to reward them when they did something kind or thoughtful, but I will also be the one deciding how to discipline them for doing something bad or downright t disrespectful. All these decisions are something I would look forward to, because unless I had to confide in my family, at the end of the day, I can be proud of what I accomplished, of what I created and how I made my children the people they become. I have a lot of love to give and lessons to be shared (and plenty more to come) and there is no better opportunity than raising your own kids who need all the love, time, affection, and patience you have.
This all might sound exhausting to you, being a single mom by choice, but luckily for us women, we are able to exercise our right in choosing how we want our life to play out. That’s not to say I wouldn’t want to share my life with someone, to come home to someone, to give my love to someone else, to have help with being the bad cop, or someone to cook dinners for. I’ve thought about how amazing that would be too, but I am just wanting to share the other point of view.
I would love to be able to give all I have to offer to my family. With a husband. With the challenges and unconditional love we would experience, together. But looking at the other side of the spectrum, I would have the opportunity to raise my children the way I believe they should be raised, based on MY past experiences. But truth is, we all have our own story, and we find our way by figuring out what works best for us. And what’s best for us isn’t necessarily what’s best for other people. And that’s okay, so long as we are respectful in understanding that, and even coming to appreciate our differences. Everyone’s ending will be different because their experience drew them to a certain conclusion that only they wanted to happen. Can you imagine how bored we would be if we all had the same story? There would be no sympathy for anyone because we experienced that same situation. We need to be more accepting and supportive of other people’s choices because fact of the matter is that, we all want different things in life and there’s no shame in that.
Featured Image via Kristin Cavallari.