Happily Never After: 8 Times Nicholas Sparks Ruined Your Love Life

We’ve all laid across the couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in our hand, crying at the sight of whatever Nicholas Sparks movie was playing that night. We’ve bawled while daydreaming of a love like the one between Allie and Noah in The Notebook or Will and Ronnie in The Last Song. We wonder why we haven’t found this kind of love yet, and if you really think about it, you’ll only get one answer: Nicholas Sparks is a liar.

He’s lied to us about love before, and he lies to us again and again, with each new book release or movie re-vamp. His tales are NOT real life and here are 8 times that his characters ruined love for the rest of us:

1. “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”  The Notebook

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I’m actually a human, so if anyone is down to just be humans with me, let me know. Just a normal human relationship is all that’s necessary. I’m not asking for much, guys.

2. “I told you not to fall in love with me.”  A Walk to Remember

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As if it’s our choice. First, if you tell a guy to stay away from you over and over, he will and you will never see him again. Second, what kind of girl tells that cute of a guy to stay away??

3. “What happens if a car comes?” “We die.”  The Notebook

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No matter what Romeo and Juliet said, dying is not romantic. People do not lay in the middle of the street for fun. If a car comes, you better get up and run. Every time.

4. “Two weeks together, that’s all it took. Two weeks for me to fall for you.”  Dear John

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I’ve had a major crush on a guy for three years and he still does not know my name. Or of my existence. And he is not even close to being as hot as Channing Tatum. I’ll keep you updated if he ever responds to my text from last week.

5. “She makes me want to be different. Better.”  A Walk to Remember

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We all have met a bad boy we thought we could change. We have also all learned that we couldn’t. Ladies, he does not want to change. He will not change. Onto the next.

6. *Twirling around in ocean* – The Last Song

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A boy tried to pick me up to carry me once. He made it two steps before dropping me and telling me I would have to walk. No twirling for me.

7. “Everything around me makes me miss you.”  Dear John

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Most of us can’t get a text back. Some of us can’t even get him to like our Instagram post. He is definitely not going to write you a handwritten letter, so I wouldn’t wait around for it.

8. “If we’d never met, I think I would have known that my life wasn’t complete. And I would have wandered the world in search of you, even if I didn’t know who I was looking for.” – The Longest Ride

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The rebound rate is higher than ever in the hookup generation. No one has the patience or desire to search the whole world for that missing piece, and why would they, when all they would have to do otherwise is swipe right?

Sorry ladies, but you’ll have to bring your head back down from the clouds and into the real world. Go out and find yourself a realistic fairytale before your impossible Nicholas Sparks standards keep you single forever.

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Featured Image via screengrab of Dear John.

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