The Real Reason You’re Not Finding Love Has Everything To Do With This

There is no greater feeling in the world than falling in love with someone. It’s like when you’re at the very top of a rollercoaster, after you’ve slowly felt the chains beneath your seat creak and move inch by inch, your heart pulsating at the adrenaline of reaching the stagnant pause-before you fall. Your stomach drops out from inside of you, you let your hands up in the air while you scream, letting all your inhibitions go.

I’ve been in love several times in my life with different people. All of them have been completely different men, from different ages, nationalities, walks of life. Each of them had a different story. Each of them have opened my eyes to discover new places, new feelings and new parts of myself. Being in love is something that’s hard to compare to anything else, especially when it’s that gut-wrenching, whole heart, knees weak kind of love. You give your all to someone else.

Your heart, your body, your mind and your soul.

We think a lot about the relationships we have with other people, especially the failed ones. We overanalyze the conversations, we over think the circumstances, we obsess over the mishaps and misfortunes we’ve had.

But, why is it so often that we give all of us to another human, before we give our all to ourselves? Why do we go absolutely crazy over the relationships we have with everyone else, before we even begin to think about the relationship we have with ourselves? Through my numerous trials in love, I’ve learned that the number one reason for a failed shot at love, is the failed relationship I had with myself at that point in time. There have been bumps on the road of my journey, times where I had too much going on in my life to actually focus my full attention on myself and instead, I decided to focus it all on someone else.

It’s unhealthy, and it’s unfair.

Not only to the other person, but to myself entirely as well. Whether you want to believe it or not, you are in a relationship with yourself. But, unlike the other relationships you will have in  your lifetime, it is one that you are in full control over. Where as you may not be able to take the reins in a relationship with a boy or a friendship with your girlfriends, you are the commander of the ship when it comes to you.

So often, we neglect the fact that the relationship we have with ourselves can be toxic and in turn, cause toxicity in other aspects of our lives. When we’re too hard on ourselves, too negative in our mind states and too harsh with our actions towards ourselves, we will ultimately set ourselves up for failure. It’s like walking around with a constant black cloud over our heads, because our inner voice is telling us we’re not good enough.

When you divulge into a relationship with another person, while the one you’re in with yourself is abusive and toxic, you’ll never be able to succeed with them. You’ll never feel good enough, or that you’re doing enough, or that anything is going right. But, it will be no fault to the other person.

The relationship that we have with ourselves set the tone for every other relationship that enters our world. If we’re not treating ourselves right, we give permission for others to do the same. If we’re too hard on ourselves, we give off the negative tone and vibe that we’re just not good enough. If we’re too easy on ourselves, we give the mantra that we’re pushovers.

Being in a healthy relationship with yourself means cutting yourself some slack. We have to remember that most days, we’re doing the best we can to be the very best version of ourselves. And, if we’re not, we have the opportunity to do so. We’re in control of our own lives, our own journeys and our own destinations. We have the power to feel the kind of emotional roller coaster we feel when we’re falling in love, about our own lives and selves. We can fall head-over-heels in love with our lives, our own personal lives. That means dedicating more time to you, and less time to everyone else around you. Being selfish is okay when it means you’re giving yourself the TLC you need and deserve.

When you make the time for yourself, and to work on yourself, you give yourself the opportunity to grow and nurture your character and persona. You strengthen your confidence and security that even if you do fall in love, and all else fails, you will always have yourself; the most important kind of love.

Featured image via Alexis Ren.

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