High school delivered a fair share of frustrations. Of course, I found myself pulling grey hairs from time to time and noticed my forehead lines have become much more defined. I used to cry at night from the heavy burdens that strict deadlines put on me. The distractions from boys and drama fed into the the situation. I used to stress myself out by over thinking, “What if I get an F on this…” Obviously, this kind of stress isn’t healthy and the experiences I mention indicate that. I’m not very good at loving myself. I am terrible at it. However, when I watched a video about the water experiments made by Dr. Emoto, my point of view changed. I became more aware of all the things I do to myself: all of the self-hate and self-abuse. In the video, Dr. Emoto taped printed words in bottles of distilled water. In one, he taped negative words overnight and the water molecules looked ugly and disfigured afterwards. In the other, he taped positive words with the molecules looked perfect and clear. At first, I didn’t quite get the metaphor being portrayed in the video.
After watching the video a few more times, it finally hit me: the “ugly-looking” water caused by the negative words portrays how the body processes negativity. Our bodies are 90% water. When we are no longer strong enough to brush off the negativity we see or receive, these start to embed into our mind, affecting how we perceive ourselves and the world. This in turn disturbs how we think therefore, affecting how we act. When the negativity around us starts to affect us, we become internally “ugly”. This can result into a breakdown or self-harm. As an eighteen-year-old, boy crazed, perfectionist, I plead guilty. Whenever I see a beautiful, toned girl with a rockin’ body, I feel an immense insecurity overcome me. I’m sure that we can all admit to that. But the thing is, I am one of those girls who constantly thinks of not needing a man who does not view me as beautiful because of my weight. I think to myself, “Well, if you don’t think I’m pretty right now, then you can’t have the sexy me later on in the future. Hah!” However, in reality, when I would see a “perfect” girl, I return to the usual bad habits of telling myself, “you suck”,” you’re fat”, ” you’re a loser”, “ugly”, and finally, “no one will ever love you.”
I put negative words into my body, and I allow myself to continuously do it.
With this, I constantly hurt myself. I’ve gotten to the point where I skip meals and only eat once a day. Once I’ve finished, my stomach would not digest it properly, and I end up hurling it; wasting all the nutrition that my body needs. I have become bulimic.
The physical results of it has taken a serious toll on me: I have pimples everywhere, my lips and hair are always dry, and my nails have become weak and yellow. Of course, this made my self-esteem decrease even more. I recall a time where I have totally lost my self-confidence that I would not got out with friends anymore. I just stayed at home, watched, ate, and slept like a sloth. I’m sure that most teenagers would rather stay in and binge watch on Netflix, but I preferred the more social option.
I have loved myself before.
But, arrogant and picky teenage boys can totally change that. I mean, it’s bad enough to have society tell us to lose weight and have abs at this age, but to have your crush laugh at your face after confessing your crush on them, that’s the worst of all. The point is: I have been better and I looked better when I loved myself. When I used to think, “You’re pretty”, “I like your smile”, “Your hair looks good today”, and “Oh girl, your face looks on fleek.” It is not about vanity or narcissism (a little self-love will not make you seem like that.) But, it will make you look radiant and glowing in a way where you will seem invincible. It is when you have so much positivity in you that you don’t care what others think, what a boy thinks about your body or your face, and to not crave for other people’s opinions; whether it is positive or negative, when all that matters to you is what you think of your own self.
Confidence is ultimately the best trait a person can have. I mean, you can have it if you just try to love yourself a little bit more; to say the words that make you cringe and think otherwise because you can’t believe that you have those amazing traits. It is in your own hands. Remember, if you can love a boy that laughs at your face for saying how cute they are and then say, “Not gonna happen”, then it’s not so hard to love yourself.
Feature Image via We Heart It.